Dancing with the Dark: Carl Jung and the Shadow We Fear
There’s a moment in life when we catch ourselves doing something we swore we’d never do. Maybe it’s lashing out at a friend, feeling jealous of a stranger’s success, or secretly enjoying someone else’s failure.
And then comes the thought: That’s not me. I’m not like that.
But Carl Jung would argue otherwise.
He believed that every person carries a hidden side, what he called the shadow. It’s the part of us we pretend doesn’t exist, the emotions we suppress, the desires we shove into the dark corners of our psyche. But here’s the twist: the more we ignore it, the more control it has over us.
Meeting My Own Shadow
A few years ago, I had a friend, let’s call her Sarah, who always seemed effortlessly successful. She had the career, the relationship, the confidence. And even though I supported her, I also felt something ugly creeping up inside me. Resentment. Envy.
I told myself I was just being logical. That maybe she didn’t deserve it. That I wasn’t bitter, just realistic.
Jung would say that was my shadow speaking.
Instead of admitting that I felt insecure or afraid of being left behind, I projected those feelings onto Sarah. My mind spun stories to protect my ego, when in reality, I was running from a part of myself I didn’t want to face.
What is the Shadow, Really?
Jung’s theory of the shadow suggests that we all have a side we don’t want to acknowledge. It’s built over time, through childhood lessons, societal expectations, and personal experiences.
Think back to when you were a kid. Were you told to “be nice” even when you were angry? To “stop crying” when you were upset? To hide your true feelings to avoid conflict?
Over time, these suppressed emotions don’t just disappear. They collect in the unconscious, forming a second self that lurks in the background, influencing our reactions, relationships, and decisions in ways we don’t always realize.
How the Shadow Shows Up in Life
Ever met someone you instantly disliked but couldn’t explain why? That’s often projection, your shadow recognizing something familiar in them. Maybe it’s their arrogance, their ambition, or their need for attention, things you secretly fear or desire in yourself.
Or maybe you’ve had a heated argument where you later thought, Why did I overreact? That’s often the shadow lashing out after being ignored for too long.
The shadow isn’t inherently bad. It holds the parts of us that don’t fit into our “acceptable” self-image. But ignoring it is like ignoring a part of our soul. And the longer we deny it, the more power it has over us.
The Shadow in Relationships
The shadow doesn’t just show up in personal reflections, it’s very present in our relationships too. At the start, the connection feels magical, effortless, and easy. There’s a deep sense of understanding, as if everything aligns perfectly. You might think, Finally, someone who gets me! But then, things start to shift.
Perhaps this person begins sabotaging the very connection you thought was special. They do things that don’t make sense, act out of character, or even betray your trust. This is the shadow at play, not just yours, but theirs.
When someone hasn’t done the inner work to integrate their own shadow, they might project their unresolved issues onto you or the relationship. They may start acting in ways that create chaos: cheating, lying, or doing things that feel like they’re intentionally breaking down the connection. What once seemed like an ideal match begins to unravel because their shadow, hidden beneath the surface, is being triggered and left unchecked.
For instance, someone who hasn’t faced their own insecurities may create tension by pushing you away when things are going well, convinced you’ll eventually leave them anyway. Or someone who has unresolved trauma may create instability by cheating, convinced they’re unworthy of real love or that they can’t trust anyone. Their actions seem irrational, but they are driven by a shadow that they’re not willing to face.
In these cases, their inability to deal with their own darkness often hurts you because it interrupts the flow of the connection. It’s not a reflection of your worth, it’s their inner turmoil projecting outward. The key here is to recognize when you’re being hurt by someone’s shadow and not to internalize their issues as your own. It’s important to remember that true growth can only happen when both people are willing to face their shadows, individually and together.
Facing the Shadow
Jung believed true personal growth comes from integrating rather than fighting the shadow. That means looking at our darkest thoughts, our least flattering emotions, and saying:
I see you. I accept you. Now, let’s figure out what to do with this.
It’s not an easy process, but it’s liberating. When we stop running from ourselves, we gain control over our actions instead of being ruled by unconscious impulses.
How to Start Shadow Work
If you’re ready to meet your shadow, here are a few places to start:
🔹 Notice strong emotional reactions. When something triggers you, ask: What does this say about me? Often, what we dislike in others is a mirror of something we deny in ourselves.
🔹 Journal your thoughts without judgment. Let yourself be brutally honest. Write down things you’d never say out loud. The act of naming your shadow makes it less powerful.
🔹 Explore creative outlets. Art, music, and writing can be a safe way to express suppressed emotions without fear of judgment.
🔹 Practice self-compassion. You are not your worst thoughts. You are a whole, complex being. The goal isn’t to eliminate the shadow but to integrate it so you can live more freely.
The Shadow is Not the Enemy
I never told Sarah about my envy. But I did confront it. I asked myself why I felt threatened instead of inspired. And once I admitted my feelings, I could transform them.
Instead of seeing her success as a competition, I started learning from her. Instead of feeling small, I let it push me to grow.
That’s the power of facing the shadow, it doesn’t just reveal what’s dark in us. It shows us what’s waiting to be healed.
So the next time you catch yourself thinking, I’m not like that, pause for a moment. Maybe, just maybe, that’s exactly the part of yourself you need to understand the most.
xoxo,
Carmen